Exceerpt from MySpace blog 4 or "Scatological in Seattle"

Yesterday Kiera, Stephen, Joe Vacca, and I took the Seattle Underground tour. I didn't want to because it's nine bucks and ninety minutes long, which means, by my logic, a movie would've been a better deal. But Stephen might be moving to Minnesota so I felt I should take advantage of the quality time we have left.

Here's what I learned about Seattle, the only city dearer to my heart than Burien.

1. For the first fifty years of its existence, Seattle had no drainage because it was built on a tidal flat. It therefore smelled of sewage (i.e. poop) all the time. Thanks to many ill-advised outhouses, the city would actually be flooded with several feet of crap at regular intervals.

2. When Seattle got its first toilets the piping was above ground. The elevated sewage lines ran over sidewalks through downtown and were emptied with a sploosh into Elliot Bay. High tide would bring the smell and the mess back to town several times a day. Additionally, the water level during high tide would sometimes reach and cover the open end of the sewage pipe, causing total fecal stagnation.

3. There was only one sewage pipe for the whole city. The pressure from all the use would sometimes backfire on the poor folk who lived at the bottom of the hill. They would flush and a geyser of excrement would erupt four or five feet in the air. That's not your typical bidet, folks.

4. In order to fix a problem I can't believe anyone lived with for fifty years, Seattle decided to build itself up, literally, 14 feet higher. That's why we have an underground. The current city is built on top of the old, stinky one so we no longer have to live at sea level, in our own filth.

The tour guides made so many bad poop jokes it was almost more nauseating than the history itself. Still, I can't say I didn't have a good time. I also learned that 89% of Seattle's tax revenue at one time came from prostitution (a whore tax!) and that Seattle's first mayor won Seattle's first lottery, which he organized (how lucky!). Boy do I feel blessed to live in such a beautiful city with such a well-fertilized history.